I’ve started this year with extra fire in my belly … and it has affected my mind! and not in a good way. I’ve been charged with restless enthusiasm, get up and go faster attitude, global goal setting ideas, planning extraordinarily big creations and I’ve just discovered I’ve lost my peace … AGAIN!
I recognised this old pattern of mine came to visit me again for about 3 weeks or so. She (a part of my mind I call “The Desperate Driver”) started running the show again! The way she runs the show is by infiltrating every waking moment with a thought that suggests fast action, high achieving, incessant planning, gigantic goal setting, prolific ideas creating, doing, doing and more doing! She says it’s the best most exciting way to be and …. life will be even better if these actions and goals are achieved right now! Today! this week or this month at the very latest!
Hmmmm so what happened to the peaceful, relaxed, easy going Jo that I’d cultivated? I realised I’d lost my mind when I started a little project a few weeks ago and spent almost every waking hour thinking about it and on the computer for days on end creating it, editing it, doing the business plan for it. I discovered I had stopped my daily meditation and eating properly and resting when I felt tired. I’d given myself a deadline that was doing my head in!
Now, there’s nothing wrong with creating, planning and achieving, I just need to do it in a healthy way instead of ‘like a bull at a gate’ as my Dad would say. He also said that ‘grass doesn’t grow under my feet for long’. So this is one of my unique qualities, but I don’t want it to run my life anymore. This way of working has hurt me over the years resulting in Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and stress related illness.
So what did I do, when I realised this? I stopped. Just like that. I recognised “the desperate driver” and said why are you so desperate? What would happen if this project doesn’t get done this week or this month, or even this year? She was quiet for a moment, then she said “nothing would happen. In fact you would be a lot more relaxed and happy if you didn’t work like this. It’s stressing you out. What really matters is your peace of mind. No stress for you anymore Jo. You can’t do life like that anymore”
And so that very day, I bowed down and surrendered. I did a wonderful long meditation and chant and walked outside into the beauty of the moment with an easy smile.